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Spousal abuse and battery are used for one purpose: to gain and maintain total control over the victim. In addition to physical violence, abusers use the following tactics to exert power over their wives or partners:
Dominance — Abusive individuals need to feel in charge of the relationship. They will make decisions for you and the family, tell you what to do, and expect you to obey without question. Your abuser may treat you like a servant, child, or even as his possession.
Humiliation — An abuser will do everything he can to make you feel bad about yourself, or defective in some way. After all, if you believe you're worthless and that no one else will want you, you're less likely to leave. Insults, name-calling, shaming, and public put-downs are all weapons of abuse designed to erode your self-esteem and make you feel powerless.
Isolation — In order to increase your dependence on him, an abusive partner will cut you off from the outside world. He may keep you from seeing family or friends, or even prevent you from going to work or school. You may have to ask permission to do anything, go anywhere, or see anyone. Source: Domestic Abuse Intervention Project, MN
Threats — Abusers commonly use threats to keep their victims from leaving or to scare them into dropping charges. Your abuser may threaten to hurt or kill you, your children, other family members, or even pets. He may also threaten to commit suicide, file false charges against you, or report you to child services.
Intimidation — Your abuser may use a variety of intimation tactics designed to scare you into submission. Such tactics include making threatening looks or gestures, smashing things in front of you, destroying property, hurting your pets, or putting weapons on display. The clear message is that if you don't obey, there will be violent consequences.
Denial and blame — Abusers are very good at making excuses for the inexcusable. They will blame their abusive and violent behavior on a bad childhood, a bad day, and even on the victims of their abuse. Your abuser may minimize the abuse or deny that it occurred. He will commonly shift the responsibility onto you: Somehow, his violence and abuse is your fault.
Cycle of violence
Domestic abuse falls into a common pattern, or cycle of violence:
Abuse — The abuser lashes out with aggressive or violent behavior. The abuse is a power play designed to show the victim "who is boss."
Guilt — After the abusive episode, the abuser feels guilt, but not over what he's done to the victim. The guilt is over the possibility of being caught and facing consequences.
Rationalization or excuses — The abuser rationalizes what he's done. He may come up with a string of excuses or blame the victim for his own abusive behavior—anything to shift responsibility from himself.
"Normal" behavior — The abuser does everything he can to regain control and keep the victim in the relationship. He may act as if nothing has happened, or he may turn on the charm. This peaceful honeymoon phase may give the victim hope that the abuser has really changed this time.
Fantasy and planning — The abuser begins to fantasize about abusing his victim again, spending a lot of time thinking about what she's done wrong and how he'll make her pay. Then he makes a plan for turning the fantasy of abuse into reality.
Set-up — The abuser sets up the victim and puts his plan in motion, creating a situation where he can justify abusing her.
The Full Cycle of Domestic Violence
A man abuses his partner. After he hits her, he experiences self-directed guilt. He says, "I'm sorry for hurting you." What he does not say is, "Because I might get caught." He then rationalizes his behavior by saying that his partner is having an affair with someone. He tells her "If you weren't such a worthless whore I wouldn't have to hit you." He then acts contrite, reassuring her that he will not hurt her again. He then fantasizes and reflects on past abuse and how he will hurt her again. He plans on telling her to go to the store to get some groceries. What he withholds from her is that she has a certain amount of time to do the shopping. When she is held up in traffic and is a few minutes late, he feels completely justified in assaulting her because "you're having an affair with the store clerk." He has just set her up.
Source: Mid-Valley Women's Crisis Service
Your abuser’s apologies and loving gestures in between the episodes of abuse can make it difficult to leave. He may make you believe that you are the only person who can help him, that things will be different this time, and that he truly loves you. However, the dangers of staying are real.
Domestic abuse often escalates from threats and verbal abuse to physical violence and even murder. And while physical injury may be the most obvious danger, the emotional and psychological consequences of domestic abuse are also severe. No one deserves this kind of pain—and your first step to breaking free is recognizing that your situation is abusive. Once you acknowledge the reality of the abusive situation, then you can get the help you need.
Signs of an abusive relationship
There are many signs of an abusive relationship. The most significant sign is fear of your partner. Other signs include a partner who belittles you or tries to control you, and feelings of self-loathing, helplessness, and desperation.
To determine whether your relationship is abusive, answer the questions in the table below. The more “yes” answers, the more likely it is that you’re in an abusive relationship.
SIGNS OF AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP
Your Inner Thoughts and Feelings Your Partner’s Belittling Behavior
Do you:
feel afraid of your partner much of the time?
avoid certain topics out of fear of angering your partner?
feel that you can’t do anything right for your partner?
believe that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated?
wonder if you’re the one who is crazy?
feel emotionally numb or helpless?
Does your partner:
humiliate, criticize, or yell at you?
treat you so badly that you’re embarrassed for your friends or family to see?
ignore or put down your opinions or accomplishments?
blame you for his own abusive behavior?
see you as property or a sex object, rather than as a person?
Your Partner’s Violent Behavior or Threats Your Partner’s Controlling Behavior
Does your partner:
have a bad and unpredictable temper?
hurt you, or threaten to hurt or kill you?
threaten to take your children away or harm them?
threaten to commit suicide if you leave?
force you to have sex?
destroy your belongings?
Does your partner:
act excessively jealous and possessive?
control where you go or what you do?
keep you from seeing your friends or family?
limit your access to money, the phone, or the car?
constantly check up on you?
Types of domestic violence and abuse
There are different types of domestic abuse, including emotional, physical, sexual, and economic abuse. Many abusers behave in ways that include more than one type of domestic abuse, and the boundaries between some of these behaviors may overlap.
Emotional or psychological abuse
Emotional or psychological abuse can be verbal or nonverbal. Its aim is to chip away at your feelings of self-worth and independence. If you’re the victim of emotional abuse, you may feel that there is no way out of the relationship, or that without your abusive partner you have nothing. Emotional abuse includes verbal abuse such as yelling, name-calling, blaming, and shaming. Isolation, intimidation, and controlling behavior also fall under emotional abuse. Additionally, abusers who use emotional or psychological abuse often throw in threats of physical violence.
You may think that physical abuse is far worse than emotional abuse, since physical violence can send you to the hospital and leave you with scars. But, the scars of emotional abuse are very real, and they run deep. In fact, emotional abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse—sometimes even more so. Furthermore, emotional abuse usually worsens over time, often escalating to physical battery.
Physical abuse
When people talk about domestic violence, they are often referring to the physical abuse of a spouse or intimate partner. Physical abuse is the use of physical force against someone in a way that injures or endangers that person. There’s a broad range of behaviors that come under the heading of physical abuse, including hitting, grabbing, choking, throwing things, and assault with a weapon.
Physical assault or battering is a crime, whether it occurs inside or outside of the family. The police have the power and authority to protect you from physical attack.
Sexual abuse
Sexual abuse is common in abusive relationships. According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, between one-third and one-half of all battered women are raped by their partners at least once during their relationship. Any situation in which you are forced to participate in unwanted, unsafe, or degrading sexual activity is sexual abuse. Forced sex, even by a spouse or intimate partner with whom you also have consensual sex, is an act of aggression and violence. Furthermore, women whose partners abuse them physically and sexually are at a higher risk of being seriously injured or killed.
Economic or financial abuse
Remember, an abuser’s goal is to control you, and he will frequently hurt you to do that. In addition to hurting you emotionally and physically, an abusive partner may also hurt you in the pocketbook. Economic of financial abuse includes:
Controlling the finances.
Withholding money or credit cards.
Giving you an allowance.
Making you account for every penny you spend.
Stealing from you or taking your money.
Exploiting your assets for personal gain.
Withholding basic necessities (food, clothes, medications, shelter).
Preventing you from working or choosing your own career.
Sabotaging your job (making you miss work, calling constantly)
Domestic violence warning signs
Take Precautions
Call 911 or the police in your community if you suspect a case of domestic violence.
It's impossible to know with certainty what goes on behind closed doors, but there are some telltale signs and symptoms of domestic violence and abuse. If you witness a number of warning signs in a friend, family member, or co-worker, you can reasonably suspect domestic abuse.
Frequent injuries, with the excuse of “accidents”
Frequent and sudden absences from work or school
Frequent, harassing phone calls from the partner
Fear of the partner, references to the partner's anger
Personality changes (e.g. an outgoing woman becomes withdrawn)
Excessive fear of conflict
Submissive behavior, lack of assertiveness
Isolation from friends and family
Insufficient resources to live (money, credit cards, car) Domestic Violence and Abuse: Help, Treatment, Intervention, and Prevention
Depression, crying, low self-esteem
Reporting suspected domestic abuse is important. If you're afraid of getting involved, remember that the report is confidential and everything possible will be done to protect your privacy. You don’t have to give your name, and your suspicions will be investigated before anyone is taken into custody. Most important, you can protect the victim from further harm by calling for help.
Part 2: Help, Treatment, Intervention, and Prevention covers protecting yourself from domestic violence and leaving an abusive relationship safely, including restraining orders, shelters, staying safe after you’ve left, and dealing with the trauma of domestic abuse.
LINKS:
http://www.domesticviolence.org/
http://www.ncadv.org/ National Coalition Against Domestic Violence
http://endabuse.org/
http://www.ndvh.org/ National Domestic Violence Hotline
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| | | | Haunted you did a wonderful job and thank you so much........
By showing our support on both issues, hopefully we can get the word out and give support to those that need us.....
Thank you for the links.....
* hugs you *
Life is a wonderful journey, its what you make of it along the way that counts.  |
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| | | | | Wonderful information Haunted..i have all those links now ..thank you ~hugs~ |
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| | | | Are you being abused?
Does Your Partner…
1. Call your house frequently, even when you are not home?
2. Ask you where you have been and who you were with?
3. Act jealous?
4. Put down your friends and/or family?
5. Embarrass you or make fun of you in front of other people?
6. Intimidate you?
7. Pressure you to do things that make you uncomfortable?
8. Use drugs and alcohol as and excuse for hurtful behavior?
9. Get extremely angry at you and you don’t know why?
10. Minimize how badly you are hurt?
11. Threaten you with force, weapons, or words?
12. Tell you he/she can’t live without you?
13. Make you feel trapped?
14. Isolate you from family or friends?
15. Get angry when someone shows you attention?
16. Suggest or tell you how to dress?
17. Make you afraid with looks or gestures?
18. Show up unexpectedly when you are out with others?
19. Drive by your house frequently?
20. Give gifts after a fight?
21. Treat you like a servant?
22. Constantly call or show up at your work?
23. Threaten to commit suicide if you leave?
24. Put you down or call you names?
25. Throw things?
26. Lock you out of the car or house?
27. Threaten to leave you stranded somewhere?
28. Repeatedly call your cell phone until you answer?
29. Push you?
30. Hit you?
31. Choke you?
32. Punch you?
If you answered yes to any of these questions you may be in an abusive relationship and could be at risk of being seriously injured or killed.
this information is off of the Sexual Assault/Spouse Abuse Resource Center website for the Maryland office.
~Some of life's greatest moments are hidden in ordinary everyday events~
~Life is not measured by how may breaths you take, but by how many you take away~ |
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| | | | Domestic Violence:
Definition of Domestic Violence:
a learned pattern of behavior, in an intimate relationship, in which one partner uses various methods to gain and maintain power and control
Power & Control Wheel:
Using Intimidation
Using Emotional Abuse
Using Isolation
Minimizing, Denying, and Blaming
Using Children
Using Male Privilege
Using Economic Abuse
Using Coercion and Threats
Physical Abuse
Sexual Abuse
Cycle of Violence:
Tension-building phase—“like walking on egg shells”
Explosion Phase—some sort of physical/verbal assault/culmination
Honeymoon phase—apologies, promises, time of peace
Statistics:
Women are 85-95% of the victims of intimate partner violence (Journal of the American Medical Association).
Pregnant or recently pregnant women are more likely to be the victim of homicide than to die from any other cause (Journal of the American Medical Association, March 20, 2001).
A woman is more likely to be assaulted, injured, raped or killed by her male partner than by a stranger (Maryland Health Care Coalition Against Domestic Violence).
1 out of every 4 American women reports that she has been physically abused by a husband or boyfriend at some point in her life (U.S. Department of Justice).
http://www.sarc-maryland.org/pcwheel.htm
http://www.sarc-maryland.org/cycle.htm
~Some of life's greatest moments are hidden in ordinary everyday events~
~Life is not measured by how may breaths you take, but by how many you take away~ |
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| | | | Take The Time To Learn About Domestic Violence
Thursday Is Domestic Violence Awareness Day In The Pork |
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| | | | | He was a charmer- knew all the right things to say. He was a master manipulator. He was everyone's best friend. It was always someone else's fault. He was a drug abuser AND he abused me. It took me 5 years to get away from him. I hid it from my family and friends. I felt so isolated. But everyone suspected i think. I was finally able to end it and when i did i shut the door firmly. I never allowed myself contact with him again. It took me years to heal..my spirit more than anything. I rarely give much thought to him anymore - but today i took a moment and let myself remember. But then i shut the door again on all that. |
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| | | | Not a link,but still....
-s-
Brian McFadden - Walking Into Walls
She wipes a tear from her brow
She's been crying again
She's been walking into walls again
Behind her quivering smile
There's a secret
That goes deeper than the cuts she hides
Her head's spinning around
He beat her soul to the ground
A grown woman in pain
And all she longs to be
Is that little girl again
She screams inside
And all she wants to be
All she wants to be
is yesterdays's child
She wants to hide
She can't run away
to the safety of yesterdays child
Curled up, shivering, alone
She's been hurt again
She's been walking into wall again
Her children keep her alive
They're her sanity
But they're the reason that she has to stay
A grown woman in pain
And all she longs to be
Is that little girl again
She screams inside
And all she wants to be
All she wants to be
is yesterdays's child
She wants to hide
She can't run away
to the safety of yesterdays child
Yesterdays child
Yesterdays child
Yesterdays child
Oh
She screams inside
And all she wants to be
All she wants to be
is yesterdays's child
She wants to hide
She can't run away
to the safety of yesterdays child
"We cheerfully assume that in some mystic way love conquers all, that good outweighs evil in the just balances of the universe and at the 11th hour something gloriously triumphant will prevent the worst before it happens."
~(Justin) Brooks Atkinson |
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| | | | Call for Prayer:
There is a young woman from our Community that is living in an abusive atmosphere. Please pray that she finds the strength and resources to get her into a better situation. Please pray that she knows there are people that will help her. Please pray that she finds a safe place. Please offer her encouragement that she can make her life better. Please pray for her protection both in body, mind and spirit. |
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